A story my friend 'Kemmy' wrote.....

Lost in the World….

10DEC

I sat on my bed thinking to myself,

“Why did this have to happen to me? What had I done to deserve this?“

I thought I was strong enough to make it through whatever. I never knew I could hurt like this. I wish I could find a way to try not to cry. I held my teddy bear very tight.

Almost immediately, a strange feeling took over me. I just wanted to inflict as much pain as he had inflicted on me, on someone (or something) else. I started screaming and picked up the knife my mother had used to peel oranges earlier that day and stabbed the teddy bear continuously. I guess the noise attracted my mother as she came running into my room.

I could see she was struggling to hold back tears. Seeing my mother like this melted my heart to stone and I crawled up immediately at one corner and cried. She immediately joined me on the floor and hugged me tight and I fell asleep in her arms.

I woke up at about 11:14pm and to my surprise, my mother was still awake, crying. She whispered into my ears,

“Please tell me what’s wrong. No matter how bad it is, I am still your mother and I’ll stand by you. Please stop keeping me in the dark. You’re hurting me“

She spoke amidst tears. Different things ran through my mind at that instant. “How was I going to tell my mother what my cousin did? What implication would this have on my family? Do I want the story to get out? If the story gets out, will I be able to handle the societal stigma?” I did not want to be labelled or used as an example to others, but seeing my mother that way broke my heart into a million pieces.

“Mummy, Nero raped me” was all I could say before I broke down in tears.

She was dumbfounded. Then she asked the question I just did not want to hear, “How did it happen?“. That was a memory I wanted to keep locked far away. I told her immediately that I wasn’t ready to talk about it and she reluctantly succumbed.

She got up and ran a hot bath for me, washed my hair and bathed me.
While I got dressed, she prepared a meal of Pepper soup and Yam for me, my favorite. I fell asleep almost immediately after eating.

I woke up the next day on my mother’s bed. She was on the phone with my father. I managed to gather bits and pieces from the conversation.

“deal with that Nero… Police… Involvement… Family… Meeting.. My baby“

Was she really going to tell the whole world what happened to me? Did she know the implication? I was still trying to answer these questions in my head when I lost my mind. I preferred to die than face the embarrassment. I swallowed all the pills I could lay my hands on.
My eyes came in contact with the knife in the sink. I picked it up and cut myself severally. I was about stabbing myself when my father walked in. He begged me to stop and reminded me of the good times we had as a family, the holidays, the discussions, my achievements and potentials. “If we spent the good times together as a family, why can’t we do so during the bad times?”. At this, I dropped the knife and fell on  my knees. I was taken to the hospital later on and my wounds were treated and I was given something to flush out all the pills I had taken in. I was discharged two days later.

There were similar incidents after this. On one occasion, I threw a pair of scissors at my mother. On another occasion, I smashed my phone and laptop just because. I had lost my sanity. My sister suggested I talk to someone other than my members of my family, like a shrink or a psychiatrist and the idea went down well with the whole family.

I checked into a Rehabilitation Centre a few days later and being around people with similar (sometimes, worse) cases made me stronger. My wrists, they healed gradually but I still have the scars to remind me of the dark days. I was discharged three weeks later. As for my cousin, I hold no grudge against him because during this time, I realized how much I had neglected God in my life. I became a better christian and it helped me regain my lost self-confidence and courage.

___________________________________________________________________________________________

This was 10 years ago. Today, I am married and blessed with four male children. I work in a well renowned bank in the US. To cut the long story short, my life is back to normal. This experience contributed in making me the woman I am today. I still have the intention of starting a foundation in Nigeria to cater for rape victims.

To all the young ladies out there who went (or are going) through a similar experience, be strong darlings. Never mind the nights you have to cry yourself to sleep or the things people say, hold your head up high and turn away. Let your hopes and dreams be your motivation. Even though right now, it seems it is not for you, do not give up. Get down on your knees and look up to the sky and I assure you, in a little while, you’d look back on this time and smile.

Good luck!